Protection
Recognising the Early Warning Signs of Online Grooming
Online child grooming follows a recognisable pattern of contact, trust-building, isolation and sexualisation, and parents can interrupt it early by spotting specific behavioural and digital warning signs and using calm, non-panicked conversations that keep children talking.
Children often do not know when they're being groomed.[12]When the “online friend” appears to really understand them, when they receive gifts or gaming currency, when they start isolating family and friends, and demanding extra privacy, that’s when parents should start to investigate. As one UK organisation Safeguard Hub puts it, anxious behaviour when a child’s access to the device is taken away is a sign that grooming may already be happening, moving into the final stage of coercion and exploitation.[15]
The NSPCC defines grooming as a process where an adult builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. This can happen online or in person, and the adult may be a stranger or someone the child already knows, including within the family. The Australian Government’s ChildSafety.gov.au website notes that grooming is a process in which a person builds a relationship with a child or young person with the goal to sexually abuse or exploit them.[5][6]
The Safeguard Hub organisation, which provides safeguarding resources to police and schools, describes a five-stage model of online grooming. The first stage is target selection, where the offender identifies a vulnerable child via public social media posts, profiles or gaming chats. The second stage is friendship building, where the offender presents as a peer or older friend, shows intense interest, provides validation and sometimes sends gifts. The third stage is exclusivity and isolation, where the offender positions themselves as a uniquely sympathetic mentor, promoting contact with them and discouraging contact with parents, carers and friends in the child's life. At this point, the Safeguard Hub organisation says, parents may notice a child becoming increasingly secretive about online activities, defensive about a special online friendship and withdrawing from family and expressing dismissive or resentment about family concerns. This is closely followed by the fourth stage of sexualisation: increasingly sexual or suggestive topics, “normalising” of sexual conversation, sharing of sexual images from the adult to the child, and requests for the child to reciprocate with their own images. Finally, the fifth stage is coercion and maintenance: once the adult has images, they use them to coerce further compliance, including sextortion, threatening to share the images, and even arrange physical meetings with the child.[15]
The Safeguard Hub organisation says parents should look out for concrete signs of these stages. Expressions by a child of having a very special “understanding” online friend, or surprise gifts (voucher, gaming currency, even a brand new device) can be early markers. Secretive late-night online activityand minimising activities with parents and friends can be signs the friendship building stage is ramping up to isolating the child. And secretive sexualised language or drop-in references to having received explicit images of another person from an online contact are very explicit warning signs.[15]
The Australian eSafety Commissioner advises parents to teach children the signs of unsafe relationships online, how to stop unwanted contact (such as blocking and reporting), and the importance of seeking help from a trusted adult.[12] Other organisations including ChildFund International, Hwb and the Australian Government also recommend parents talk directly about grooming.
Hwb, the digital learning platform of the Welsh Government, notes that exploited and groomed children often become withdrawn, unhappy and secretive. They may spend more time online and go to lengths to ensure their activities are kept very private. Known activities, such as favourite sports or going to see friends may be abruptly abandoned. Children may start bringing home brand new items such as clothes or a mobile phone, often without explanation of how they came by them. The platform notes that these behaviours are a sign that a child may need support to recognise exploitation or grooming, and encouraged families and parents to talk about these issues.[7]
OffenderWatch, a US public safety organisation, lists five major warning signsof online grooming. These are a child spending increased or excessive amounts of time online. Emotional withdrawal and extreme mood fluctuations. Having multiple or even several massive “connects” to new accounts where parents or other adults have no access, a child quickly switching tabs or screens every time a parent comes near, and finding sexually explicit photos or videos on the child’s computer. All five in the scope of one child only increase the need for intervention.[4]
The Victorian Government’s advice for parents on online grooming adds that it may be a major sign if a child starts having gifts or money from “friends” that are not genuine[9]. Unexplained new electronic devices may be a gift from an adult with an ulterior motive.
The Australian Government’s ChildSafety.gov.au site also notes that parents may discover a child appearing extremely tiredfrom online activity, being dishonest about who they have been with and where, using substance misuse and assuming a false identity or false identification.[6] These are all signs of grooming to sexual exploitation.
The UK child safety non-profit Internet Matters says that online grooming leaves signs in children's behaviour. But it lists as normal in children of this age being secretive about online contacts and sites they visit; getting a bit anxious about online activities and very upset if their device is removed; and some furtiveness switching screens when parents or guardians appear. What stretches beyond typical “charmingly secretive child”territory is if they possess electronic devices that parents have not given them. That could be a red flag. As could sudden emotional withdrawals/explosions.[11]
If parents or guardians recognise any of these warning signs, they should teach and support their child to use safety featuressuch as blocking and reporting. As the Australian eSafety Commissioner notes, children do not always recognise grooming when it is happening. Supporting them to report unwanted contact and seek adult helpis part of the preventative steps they should be able to take. Parents should also note these signs for discussion with a trusted adult or professional.[12]
Especially concerning is the signs of self-harm such as carvings, bite marks or burns, and even abrupt sudden withdrawalfrom family, friends or usual activities, late-night activity (presumably online) and mentioning “a game” involving of getting photos. As the UK's The Guardian newspaper puts it, these signs indicate extreme psychological distressand are a signal for immediate psychological, and even police, involvement to help the child.[1]